Southpaw Jones

Austinites, tonight is the night for the Dick Monolgues! Do join us…

Dearest reader, did I ever tell you about my New Year’s Resolutions? How flagrantly ommissious of me! They are as follows:

• Figure out how to run 6 miles without walking
• Simplify life and possessions
• Improve this precious web site
• Master The New York Times Crossword
• Love a little stronger
• Know when to hold ‘em
• Know when to fold ‘em
• Stand inside the fire
• Read and summarize The Holy Bible

I know, I know, it’s ambitious stuff, so don’t hold me to it. The last goal is perhaps the most unlikely, but I’m starting like a finisher here on January 9. While I spent the first 22 years of my life in a Bible-icious environment, I’m not sure I ever read the wholey thing straight through. I have a gently used Daily Bible [New International Version] which assigns a small reading to each day of the year. I’m having trouble keeping up, but I’m proud to say I’ve mastered Genesis 1-5, and I now present my summary:

Genesis 1-3

There was nothing until God made everything, starting with Earth. He was very proud of this place. In fact, the only reason He made stars was so they could “give light on the earth.” Geocentric! During His one week of creation, God performed a great deal of separating and labeling to get everything cooking. God made a man to look like Him and His friends, and God said, “Multiply and rule this place, I’m gonna take a day off.”

God placed His man in the Garden of Eden and said, “Eat anything you want except fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It kills.” God then said, “You look lonely. I’m going to make a lady for you. She’ll provide companionship and help you name everything.” So He did. Adam and Eve were naked and not bothered in the least by it. Everything was copacetic and room temperature.

Then a snake told Eve to eat from the forbidden tree so she could “be like God.” She did, and she gave a bite to Adam, who was just standing there like a dolt. In a flash, they discovered the shame of their nudity, made clothes, and hid from God.

God found them! Adam tried to blame Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. God punished the three with various hardships like dust-munching, labor, childbearing, and eventual death. God made them better clothes, and kicked them out of the garden. He was now very wary of mankind. So it begins, this uplifting tome.

Genesis 4

Adam & Eve had two sons, Cain (farmer) & Abel (shepherd). Cain offered God some fruit, Abel gave Him meat. God much preferred Abel’s sacrifice. Cain got jealous and killed Abel. Four people in, we already have our first murder. God cursed Cain and banished him to wander. God marked him so no one would kill him, lest they be killed seven times. Sweet Mercy.

Cain bore a big ol’ extended family with “his wife.” Where he found her, we’ll never know. One descendent named Lamech kept up the family tradition of killin’.

Adam & Eve had grandkids.

Genesis 5

People did a lot of people-makin’, ‘cause they lived a long time back then. One dude, Methuselah, lived 969 years. He had quite a collection of whatever he was collecting, I suspect.

He had a grandson named Noah!

To be continued…

as reported in The New York Times

TO SAVE MINERS’ LIVES
Coal operators from the principal coal-producing States of the East gathered in Washington today to discuss the recent mining disasters and the best methods for the preservation of the lives of miners in the future.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Did you notice the cost of that slushy, cherry-flavored drink we just bought? Man, it’s gone up! That is one…

Highlight here for answer: [pricey Icee]


Animated Musicians

There are only a handful of possible jokes. The chief members of this joke band may be said to be: the fall of dignity [and] mistaken identity.
Mack Sennett

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2008
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Speaking of Dick
Zach Scott - Groten Theater
1426 Toomey Road (78704)
AUSTIN, TX
speakingofdick.frontgatetickets.com
Performing as part of a wonderful ensemble.