Southpaw Jones

Judge My Corpse, Please, Judge It Harshly!

August 09, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Interesting?

Austinites, join Matt the Electrician and me live at the NEW Flipnotics @ the Triangle. Tonight!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

There is a lot of speculation about Barry Bonds, and my only advice for people is to just let history be the judge.
President Geroge W. Bush

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Yes, history will be the judge, Mr. Bush. You’ve mentioned this before. It makes you feel deep and big-minded. As a fellow Texan under this here Big Sky, I know how important that is to you.

I also know that you don’t want to go to prison. You don’t want to go on trial. You don’t want to answer for your presidency or, come to think of it, all the life failures that preceded it. So you’d rather put your fate in the hands of a researching grad student in the year 2245.

Who gives a flying carny flip, right?

“Let history judge” is much safer than “Let a living federal judge judge.”

And if you’re going to apply that standard to yourself, then naturally, you have to grant history’s gracey-grace to others, too. Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, Barry Bonds, J.R. Ewing. Can’t we just sort out all this craziness when we’re, like, dust in the wind and stuff?

It is this mix of James Bond villain and Zen-ish hippie that our great state is prone to produce.

Mr. President, you have driven the final nail in the coffin of Republican Accountability, which died a withering child, emaciated because its parents kept it locked away without love or food…hence the closed casket. (That’s a sad metaphor in more ways than one. Leave it in, SPJ! Let history judge this Thursday morning rant!)

You can’t fool me, Mr. Bush. I know how truly smart you are. I know that you know that history, especially mainstream history, is a blind, forgiving grandmother, knitting on the porch swing, repeating her mantra “Boys will be boys.”

We both know that war can be simplified as follows: Rich men telling poor men to protect, steal, secure, or take back some prize of money, land, or resources. And yet, our history books, great and wise judges they be, tell us that wars of the past were about Freedom, God, or The Little People. Oh, that it were true!

History is your friend, Your Highness. History won’t care if there’s an * beside Barry Bonds’s name in the record books. History can’t see an * without her reading glasses! History won’t care that all your contemporaries know you’re a double-dunked dunce. History knows how hard you tried, history knows it wasn’t your fault, and history can’t touch you until you’re long dead, buried, decomposed, perhaps converted, over the course of millennia, into oil.

Black Gold! Texas Tea! History will make your dreams come true, so you have all the reason in the world to love yourself and grin, grin, grin during endless war, war, war. Heaven awaits, and you will become what you most desire.

Yee-haw.

Online Museum of the Week
Walking Illusions [For Sale!]:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

There are accepted methods for being a mom or a dad, and you just don’t follow them! You’re an…
Highlight here for answer: [errant parent]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 9th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!