Southpaw Jones

My first love, you’re every Wednesday I take.

February 14, 2007 By: Southpaw Jones Category: Poetry, Paw Prints, Interesting?

WARNING: Today’s Gazette is not for weak-stomached mush-haters. Please return tomorrow.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

It’s Valentine’s Day, my friends, and I am Southpaw Jones, an expert in the ways of love. So, please, gather ‘round and hear my heterosexual advice. Improve your chances at gaining and maintaining more amore.

1. No one cares about your dumb self, and neither should you.
2. Everyone likes to be touched. Even by accident. Even by strangers in the grocery store.
3. The guitar is not the automatic chick magnet that many think it is. You have to play mediocre, strummy, boring songs for it to have that effect.
4. Men, we are at war with one Justin Timberlake. Women, y’all are at war with geometry and skimp.
5. Men, clean the hair off the bathroom counter. Women, clean the hair off your armpits.
6. Men, you may have an amazing body, mind, and soul, but if your woman doesn’t see you eating greens from time to time, she won’t be happy.
7. Women like to be spiritual. Men like to be logical. Enjoy the first two Matrix films together, and pretend they didn’t make that third one.
8. Never let your partner be a better partner than you, unless it really makes them feel special.
9. There are many more erogenous zones of the body than those we’ve known since elementary school. Actually, there are many erogenous zones outside the body, too. These include the garage door opener, the set of “Wheel of Fortune,” and the “forward” button on your iPod.
10. Kiss like there’s no tomorrow, because, as Pat Robertson reported this morning, “There is no tomorrow.”

And the most important piece of advice I have for you: Come on out to my two appearances tonight!

Free Sex in Public @ Bookpeople, 7 pm.
Southpaw Jones’s Lonely Heart’s Club Meeting @ Café Mundi, 8 pm.

A word about Free Sex in Public from Spike Gillespie:
“For the seventh year straight (and gay!), Spike Gillespie and friends–including Southpaw Jones, Kristine Kovach, Herman Bennett, Doug Powell, Richard “Mr. Smartypants” Steinberg, Diane Fleming, PK Sax, Tom Benton, Adam Sultan, Liz Belile, Max Tolleson, Les McGeehee, Owen Egerton, and Genevieve Van Cleve present Free Sex in Public, a celebration of love and sex and hope and dreams and, yes, even nightmares. Ah, romance! Come sing, dance, laugh, cry and get your romantic rocks off as we celebrate life’s albatross – love — and that old albatross of love– sex.”

BookPeople
6th & Lamar
Wednesday Feb 14th
7 til 9 p.m.
FREE

Yes, the two events overlap, but I trust you to make an adult decision about that. I’ll race over to begin my show at Café Mundi after kicking off Spike’s event. I’ll have a couple of special guests, and I’ll pull out all my best love and anti-love songs, perhaps including some karaoke action! And remember, all tips I earn at the show will go toward a fancy dinner with my sweetheart, who has to wait ‘till Thursday because I’m a whore for my public.

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
8:00 PM
Southpaw Jones’s Lonely Hearts Club Meeting
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
512-236-8634
http://www.cafemundi.com

I luh you,
Southpaw

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Talk not of wasted affection - affection never was wasted.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Online Museum of the Week
Indexed:

Life beautifully diagramed by Jessica Hagy.

Poetry that Rhymes
And flows. And builds a bridge. And inspires:

My girlfriend’s name is Maggie.
She’s the one that I adore,
And when I kiss her briefly,
I want to kiss her more.
In addition to the kissing
I like to hold her hand.
I tend to pull her closer
To whisper what I’ve planned:

“I’m gonna take you shopping,
Though browsing’s more the word.
We’ll drive through rich folks’ suburbs
Where housing is absurd.
We’ll look at public people
Of every shape and size,
And as we split some ice cream,
We’ll practice compromise.
You know I like the sprinkles
I know you like the cone
This half, it tastes much better
Than the whole I ate alone.”

We went to the museum
To spend our first night out,
And on our second date
We found the opposite of drought.
It rained like Armageddon.
The thunder hurt my ear.
But since that blessed stormin’,
I’ve thought of you as dear.

Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.

Paw Prints
Pics of Southpaw, his environ, and his interweb: