Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:
I need to go back to Rock & Roll Rentals today. Ugh. That’s where I got the Firepod that helped me record some stuff last week. It’s due for return or renewal today. It’s a great local business, but some wanks in there are too kewl for school. I mean, Austin does not have a good reputation for service, and these guys are making sure it stays that way.

I go in to get a firewire audio interface so I can play with Garageband. I knew exactly what I wanted, how it would work, and what it would do for me. But I discovered early on that I was in the realm of Jack Black in High Fidelity or Comic Book Guy of The Simpsons.

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:
I had to fill out a lot of paperwork, which is understandable. You don’t just give out expensive equipment to random rockers. When I was finished writing, the guy who gave it to me was gone. Vanished. Only two goobz remained behind the counter. One was a hipster parody with a faded t-shirt that displayed something like “Born to be Mild” with a line-drawing of a salsa bowl. He also wore a big, foamy baseball hat which is so – let me e-mail my ladyfriend on this one – hmm, she must be busy - I’m just gonna guess two years ago.

The other guy was a crabby, bearded doof. Neither of them was glad to see me living, breathing, and waiting at their counter. So they ignored me for a few minutes. Finally, I got the doof. He looked over my paperwork with a combination of disinterest, disdain, and distrust. I managed to jump through all his hoops and get to the sweet rentin’. Of course, he still didn’t want my business, so he made every attempt to get me to give up and leave. Really, I didn’t know whether to leave, laugh, or stick with it for the sake of “the music.” I stuck with it, and I held my tongue when “Shouldn’t you be working at a comic book store?” almost slipped out.

When I made the mistake of saying the word “Garageband,” the in-store music screeched to a halt and a more than a few heads turned. He informed me bluntly that Garageband is for people who “don’t know what they’re doing.” I said firmly, “I want to rent the Firepod for a week, kind sir.” And I did.

Southpaw Jones presents
I can’t stop!
I can’t stop, ’cause it’s lightnin’ strikin’ again. Yeah:
Austin can often be the smallest of towns, and I saw the bearded doof a few days later at a restaurant. He was with his girlfriend, who was “too cute for him,” according to my girlfriend, who is too cute for me. From what little I saw, he was a completely different person. Meek, humble, and completely dominated by his companion. It was like Clark Kent having voluntarily given up his powers in Superman II.

I smiled to myself, and I decided I couldn’t judge the guy too harshly. But in a moment of weakness, I was severely tempted to walk to his table, gently pat his club-stamped hand, and say, “Huevos rancheros, eh? You know, that’s for people who don’t know what they’re doing.”

Spike Gillespie presents
A Haiku History of the World
A look at our past, / seventeen syllables and / three lines at a time:

Fourteen ninety-two:
Chris Columbus breaks ground for
the first McDonald’s.

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

The rich, Auctus, see their irritability as just another industry: hating is more cost-effective than giving.
Martial, Epigrams XII.13

Thank you, come again!
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