Southpaw Jones

Now that I’ve told my family and close friends, I suppose I can finally post it here: I’m moving to Houston in May. It’s going to be quite a transition, but a necessary one. I’ve been in Austin since 2003, and man, this town was so much cooler back then! (That’s an inside joke for Austinites. I’ll miss those.)

About a year-and-a-half ago, I started working at American Money Team. At first I was skeptical. I wasn’t sure I could handle a true full-time job, and I didn’t know how interested I might be in the world of finance. As it turns out, I love it! I love words like fund, yield, commission, accrue, settlement, dealer, coffee, and donut. I’m thriving here, and I’ve already passed the Series 7 exam making me a real-life stock broker, so it’s time to move on.

Houston offers real-life opportunities for people who are ready to be responsible adults. Houston also has tons of banks, investment firms, and broker-dealers where my seed of financial experience might find purchase.

Houston also has lots of great churches. Quantity and quality alike. I need to find a massive place of worship I can really sink my teeth into. Some place with a hearty singles program, a charismatic leader, and perchance a bowling alley.

I know that H-town is rather large, traffic can be crazy with a capital K, and gas happens to be very expensive right now. Honestly, though, I don’t care. I truly enjoy spending time in my car, looking at other cars, enjoying the promise and progress of construction, and listening to my favorite radio station, Country Legends 97.1 FM.

I love Austin, I really do. But you know what? I think I love it mostly because it’s only a few dozen miles from Houston, the greatest city in Texas, my once and future hometown.

It’s time for me to find a tight-faced wife to raise the three kids of my dreams, fingers crossed for two boys and one girl: Kroger, Vanguard, and Plum. I’m tired of all the pleasure in Austin. Now that I’m in my thirties, I realize that pleasure only serves to do one thing: make you feel good. Enough of the movies, margaritas, parties, art, live music, sunshine, swimming, lounging, and state parks! If I don’t find a way to feel some misery and toil in this life, I swear I’m going to go crazy. It’s all about balance, you see, and I’ve already racked up my maximum in the enjoyment column.

It’s time for me to contribute to the economy. It’s time to be a part of the next great city of the world. It’s time to grow up and get to know my pro-war extended family. As the great Dr. Allan Pearl once said, you have to go where the love is. And the love for me, right now, is in Houston, not Austin.

Don’t worry, though, I’ll be back to visit, just as soon as Kroger is ready to scope out some college campuses.

as reported in The New York Times

April 1, 1908
PARCELS POST BY AUTO.
WASHINGTON — Bourke Cockran to-day introduced by request a bill to provide for the establishment on certain free delivery routes of a service to be known as the auto-post coach service, for the transportation of human beings at postage stamp rates and for the transportation of parcels less than six feet long.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The oldest man in the Bible is very unhappy with his soup! Did you hear him tell the waitress to…

Highlight here for answer: [April Fools’!]


When Geeks Have Children

For it stirs the blood in an old man’s heart,
And makes his pulses fly,
To catch the thrill of a happy voice
And the light of a pleasant eye.
Nathaniel Parker Willis

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642
www.bendstudio.com
$20, Doors at 7 pm.