Southpaw Jones

I’m a dragon.

Rawr.

Flap. Flap.

Them’s the sound of my wings.

I like meat. A lot.

One time, I scoped an orca out of the ocean. Ate it up. Raw. No one was around. I wasn’t showing off. Just hungry.

What do you do when you’re hungry? Buy a burger? How’s that working out for you? Still puny, I see.

Certain parts of a dragon are sensitive, you know. I’m telling you this because you obviously pose no threat to me. The base of the tail. The tip of the beak. Memories of adolescence.

Touch upon these things at your own risk, my friend. I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure. You’re a good guy. A nice, good guy who would rather not be instantly crispified.

So how are your finances set up, buddy? Doin’ alright in that department? You know, when I’m strapped for cash, I just attack a village. Pretty routine, really. I could pick up some loot for you next time, if you like. No skin off my back.

Hey, how does this cave smell to you? Pretty nice, right? Surprising, I know. I spent a butt-load on air fresheners in town last weekend. I don’t know, I guess I’ve been lonely. There aren’t that many kick-ass dragons around here. I’ve actually never seen another Montana Red my whole life. That’s what I am, a Montana Red. There are some Siberian Swallow-Munchers to the southeast of here, but my kind doesn’t get along with their kind. It’s weird, we can’t help it.

So, you know, I was thinking I could have some human visitors up here. Little folks like you who aren’t trying to make anything of themselves. Slackers. Commoners. People who can chill. People who know how to listen. People who never give a second’s thought to cutting my head off. These are people I can party with.

Just know that I can’t be held responsible for what happens if you get me into a laughing fit. Seriously. See that charred skeleton over there? That was a funniest dude I ever met! He could describe some of my favorite cartoons in a certain way that was funnier that actually watching the cartoons originally! How could I not emit magma and flame and acid uncontrollably?

Man, don’t be that funny. But be interesting and witty. You know, keep the conversation at like a solid, cracklin’ B-plus.

First topic…thrill-seeking versus meditation. Ready? Go.

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.
Edith Wharton

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The hair that hangs across my forehead is impossible to manage. Tangles! Split ends! Sometimes I imagine there are rival factions of hair locked in urban combat above my eyebrows. Is there anyone who can broker peace between my…

Highlight here for answer: [bangs gangs]



Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
8:00 PM
NAKED Calendar Release Party
Hyde Park Theater
Austin, TX
Performing as part of C-Dar Fevar.

Thursday, September 27th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://www.flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!