Southpaw Jones

Southpaw Jones presents
Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Pigeons, grackles, and sparrows, oh, my! Mystery still surrounds the deaths of 63 birds downtown yesterday. Some of the corpses went to Ames, Iowa, and Texas A&M University for dissection and study, while officials maintain that there is no risk to human life. That’s the end of the accepted news story.

But they don’t tell you the strangest part, simply because they don’t know. We here at The Southpaw Jones Fun Time Gazette, thanks to a source deep inside the investigation, have learned that all 63 birds died of separate, individual causes. That’s right, folks, it was just a coincidence. Our source has provided us with the cause of death for 32 of the birds this morning, and he/she promises the remaining 31 later this week. Without further adieu, here they are:

1. Hollow bones
2. Loneliness
3. Interest Rates
4. Broke Beak Fountain
5. Cancellation of “The OC”
6. Something powerful pressing down
7. Grackle beats sparrow
8. Dreams of providing quills for period films
9. Sparrow beats pigeon
10. Paperwork
11. Oleo
12. Being too graceful for this world
13. Pigeon beats grackle
14. All that incessant flapping
15. Late Fees
16. Introspection

Southpaw Jones presents
And Another Thing…
More verbosity with velocity and viscosity:

17. “I ran out of songs to sing.”
18. Watched Saddam die, all of life’s goals fulfilled
19. Tryptophan
20. Extreme peckishness
21. Vicious feather mites
22. A big orange cat named Franklin
23. Just jumping on the big bandwagon of bird death
24. A bloody coo
25. Brown paper packages tied up with string
26. Nutella
27. Whiskers on kittens
28. Arranged marriage
29. Early morning power line knife fight. “No one calls me a chicken.”
30. Voluntary marriage
31. Nightingale Syndrome
32. A big ol’ case of the blahs, alright? Are you happy? Just let me be a dead bird, jerk face!

Rest in peace, three little [types of] birds.

Southpaw Jones presents
Online Museum of the Week
Quotation Mark Abuse!:

Southpaw Jones presents
Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

A slimmed-down passerine bird.
Highlight here for answer: [narrow sparrow]

Southpaw Jones presents
Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

Thank you, come again!



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