Southpaw Jones

Watch out! There are differences between the words jive, jibe, and jab. “Jibe” has the strange quality of meaning both “compatible, similar or consistent” AND “an aggressive, derisive remark.” So “jibe” doesn’t jibe with itself! It also means something to sailors, but so does a red sky, so go figure. I always thought an aggressive, derisive remark was a “jab,” but I’m learning this morning that jabs can only be physical. Forgive me, language gods, for the times I’ve used “jab” when I should have used “jibe.” Of course, “jive” can refer to many things, including dance, jazz/swing music, or deceptive/meaningless chatter. I shall now form a sentence using all three: I jabbed the guy because his threw in a jibe at the end of his jive which did not jibe with my jive. Jab!

I think I’m going to shave my head tonight. Clippers shave, not razor shave. I always feel better about myself after a good old-fashioned scalp-clearing. Maybe it’s because someone in junior high told me that one’s hair is the dirtiest part of one’s body. Dirtier than the butt! If you think about head hair as a remnant of our animal ancestry, then it’s bound to eventually go the way of the tail, right? I suppose that means balding men are evolving faster than the rest of us, and yet, we mock them as fish mocked their first legged relative and jocks mocked Bill Gates in high school.

I often wonder what percentage of people I absolutely, fundamentally can’t stand. Lately, I’ve settled on a guess of 75%. That’s pretty good, I think. Pretty low. I don’t believe that I’m any more intolerant than the average person. I just know that if I were stranded on an island with a stranger, I’d have about a 1 out of 4 chance of how-do-you-say, not wanting to kill myself. And I think it says something wonderful about me that, were I stuck with a miserable sap of a wanker, I’d kill myself before I’d kill them. Sometimes you have to pat yourself on the back and declare yourself a decent person. I should add that I am positive, fair reader, that you are among the bearable fourth. Am I?

as reported in The New York Times

February 26, 1908
SILENT FIREARM PATENTED.
Son of Sir Hiram Maxim Invents Device to Make Discharge Noiseless.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Listen, doc, his temperature is well above normal, and he’s developing webbed feet! He’s expressed interest in building dams and he said he could really enjoy “taking a bite out of pine.” You gotta come down here quick, because I think he’s got that…

Highlight here for answer: [beaver fever]


Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

At 30 a man should know himself like the palm of his hand, know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures - be what he is. And, above all, accept these things.
Albert Camus

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